Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Captain Sweatpants VS The Militant Retronaut: A Blade Fetish

Gawd I hate sales trips. It's okay during the day when I can drop in and harass the customers and guzzle their coffee and I have things to do - it's the hotel at the end of the day that bums me out. I would like to be at home beating up my dogs, futzing and putzing with chores or goofing off at the RC airfield or at the rod n' gun club. As it is all I do after school is watch TV when I'm on the road.

It's not so bad I suppose; I am one of three guys in North America that doesn't have cable TV...so having something to watch is nice. I was watching How It's Made and they were doing a special on these guys. They're awesome! The shop is run by a bunch of seedy looking weirdoes and beardoes cranking out some serious heavy metal war machines. Hmmmm. Maybe I should do some idle window shopping?

 
Hmmmmm.... I suppose if guns get banned and the gubbermint somehow gets all mine away from me...one of these just might fill in for my beloved .45's... 
 
 
These are not toys - they have live (sharpened edges) and will do the deed if you are waylaid by Moors, Ottomans or Chesterfields. The obvious problem with these is that they are soldier's weapons meant to be deployed by armoured combatants in a semi-controlled melee ... and aren't all that useful to the solitary freeman like Lord Filthie of Castle Limegreene!
 
 
Nah. She's a beauty, but a little flashy and still poses a concealabity problem.
 
 
My ancestors were Scots, so it behooves me to stay in the tradition of my ancestors. I need something shorter, but with with a business like blade fit to slit my enemies from balls to brain and spill his foul guts upon the ground!
 
 
 
Wow. Damascus steel. Again, too ornate for a common peasant stock man like me, but a fine weapon for my arch political enemy, a nobleman by the name of Sir Bob Of Wallace. If I am going to shuffle off this mortal coil with a blade in my gizzard - that would be the blade I would have doing it! This is the work of a master bladesmith.
 
 
 
That one looks like it belongs to the fiendish Feral Irishman... spectacular...
 
 
 
 
There it is! What's that bum bidding?!?! I'll double it!!!!
 
 
African Blackwood is shit to work with - it's greasy and gummy and can dull a drill bit from three feet away. I've heard the sawdust is toxic and it chips easily...but the artist here has obviously mastered it! Dammit, where is the 'add to cart' button???
 

Ahhhhh. It's so relaxing, shopping for archaic weapons, isn't it? There is a lot to be said for nostalgia. All it takes is money...
 
 
Okay. No, I won't be dressing like that.
 


3 comments:

  1. "Okay. No, I won't be dressing like that." So how about a picture of you in a kilt?? (and not bending over, either)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I would love to but ever since BW complained to the authorities - I've had a court issued restraining order about wearing a kilt in public!

    I think it's because he's petty and jealous of my manly physique and other endowments.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Snicker-snicker! Chicken!!! Bok! Bok! :o)

      Delete