Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Argen Skooglin Farfenhoogen


Wirecutter is bragging and gloating about all the wood he chopped. Not bad for an old fart - not bad at all. I've never had to split hickory but I still remember my one and only encounter with elm. Elm burns long and hot - as opposed to poplar wood which is most common where I live. I was spoiled on it because poplar and birch split easy. Problem with them is they burn hot and fast.

One day my father in law confiscated a fallen elm from a neighbour that he was going to split. He even took the stump - roots and all. He had a nice, innocent looking log for me that was around a foot long and asked me to take a swing at it. Fine, says I, thinking I'll show off for my wife.

The axe bounced off it.

I swung again, and that log just sat there like nothing had happened! I looked at Doug's axe - and of course the thing was dull and rusted and pitted because the idiot never looked after his tools - so I went to my truck and hauled out my pride and joy - a heavy woodsman's axe with the plumb style head. This was no Hudson Bay phony axe meant for weekend campers - this was a working axe. I thieved it from Pop and was eventually forced at gun point to return it - but I digress. It was sharp as could be and when I took it to that elm - it sank into the log about an eighth of an inch. I was dumbfounded.

Road rage set in and it didn't matter how mad I got, that fuggin log just took my best shots without even a crack! Everyone was laughing at me when my Donald Duck temper tantrum subsided. That is when I learned about wedges and sledges. To split this shit - you placed a 5 or 6 pound wedge and slowly pounded it slowly through the log. I eventually split that log, but phew!!! What a grunt!!!

My father in law is famous for his stubbornness. I've seriously considered murdering him because of it but he's so damn stupid and stubborn he would just keep living just to spite me, HAR HAR HAR! Welp - he split that entire tree and ended up with a stack of wood as big as Wirecutter's. He destroyed three wedges made from tool grade high carbon steel. When you beat on a wedge, the top mushrooms out and eventually the metal starts to split away and curl over - and you take it to the bench grinder and remove it. Eventually the tool will have to be thrown away. That was back when you could buy tools made from American steel - not that cheap, soft Chinese shit they're selling today. It was a feat, really, he started with that project and stuck right with it until it was done. He even split the stump - he had to use about 3 or 4 wedges on it at once - but eventually that was split and stacked too.

To this day I dunno if stubbornness is a virtue or a sin. Can it be both?

In any event our Scandihoovian friends learn EVERYBODY a valuable lesson in manly chores and how to do 'em!. Whellbarrow fires? Who woulda thunk it???  Explosive tree removal???

Valhalla exists, men! Lay down your axes, your hammers and wedges and mauls - and join me and our Viking friends to split wood LIKE A BOSS!






2 comments:

  1. The next time I want to part out my 5th wheel or my house, I'll keep this in mind!

    Funniest part of the video; they say "f*ck" in Scandihoovia too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's why they used elm for wagon hubs. The best way to "split" it is with a chainsaw or a sawmill.

    ReplyDelete