Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Monday, 12 February 2018

The Phantom Of The Outhouse

When I was a kid in elementary school we had a villain called the Phantom Pooper. Seriously. His MO was to drop a loaf in the darnedest places. Usually he would lay his pipe on the floor in the washrooms. He started with the boys washrooms but then even started going into the girls too. That drove us nuts with curiousity: was The Pooper female? Then (s)he got the coat room and the boot room. After a couple of months he had pretty much crapped himself everywhere and our janitor - poor Mr. Oscroft - was a gibbering nervous wreck.

You could always tell when the Phantom Pooper struck, too - the little girls would start screaming like loons, everyone would be going 'Ewwwwwww!!!!' at the top of their lungs, and half us boys would lose our own mud in delight at all the pandemonium. The teachers would scramble to the scene of the crime with quiet, cold fury.

What was it that drove the Phantom Pooper to
do his dirty deeds?

I swear that near the end, we had SWAT teams and armed guards on the lookout for The Phantom. The teachers were swearing vendettas against him in the classrooms. A few of us were rounded up and waterboarded for information - but nobody knew anything. Accusations flew every which way and I remember being hurt because nobody suspected me of doing it.

Then one day - he just stopped. The big kids told us little 'uns that Mr. Oscroft had captured The Phantom - and disposed of him in a painful and murderous way. Perhaps he moved away - a rash of copycats had broken out at other schools. 

Maybe one day he just grew up and moved on. To this day I would love to know who it was.


  1. No such excitement at our elementary school, the closest was when they caught a young babe teacher in the bathroom with a pepsi bottle(long time ago they had glass pepsi bottles like long necks for you youngsters). Anyway she got canned in the can and I always thought of that when I saw a pepsi bottle. Now the horny babe teachers just use the boys as they don't make pepsi bottles any more.

    1. I've always had the position that if women are going to start gang raping men - me first!!! :)

  2. The mystery shitter is not unique to your school. Larger ships in the U.S. Navy are prone to have a mystery shitter, the office being passed along to someone else when the current shitter transfers. The MS would carefully wrap his 'contribution' is plastic wrap and leave it somewhere, to be discovered by the brass at a later date.

    In other news, a friend of mine whom we'll call Don is a few years older than I am, and in his elementary school was a retard named Benny. Yeah, I know, not PC, but the shoe fits. The admin let Benny attend class because he was considered borderline, but Benny had issues. He'd feel the urge and quietly wander off somewhere, lighten up a little, then request assistance from the nearest authority figure to clean himself. The school warned Benny that if he didn't cut it out, they'd have to ship him off to retard school, and he naturally had to do it two or three more times, so that was it for old Benny. Off he went, although just where is not known.

    In my High School we had an elite cadre of borderlines, the most notable being Harley - who got expelled for buffing his banana in the men's room. The shop teacher caught him at it and asked that tireless old cliché, "What the hell are you doing?!"

    "Well," said Harley, "I sure as hell ain't buildin' a bird house."

    So off he went. We had an economically progressive school, meaning that about ten percent of the students were migrants from the Appalachia area. The fathers came North for the good jobs in the factories. Some of these families, like Harley's family, had nothing but a dirt floor in their house. They'd have a carpet, but no floor under it. Many kept chickens and hogs, which made for an interesting neighborhood.

    I'm guessing that your particular MS either matriculated out of school, or got tired of the joke and quit. It also might have been one of the staff. Adults are prone to all kinds of odd behavior, as you well know.

  3. I hear ya, Jack. When I was a kid working part time for Coca-Cola in their warehouse, we had the nicest old fella for a supervisor that treated us kids and part timers like a million bucks. He was always prattling about his 'roids, and we enjoyed the sport and merriment with ridicule. One day some wise ass swapped his tube of Prep H for Absorbine Jr - and poor MacDuff couldn't sit down for a week! A little later on somebody dropped a steamer in the top drawer of his desk.
    No it wasn't me (although you would be correct to suspect it) - but we had a 'borderline tard' and he disappeared suddenly one day... and the pranks stopped. I felt bad for ol' MacDuff because he was one of those rare men that treated his people like gold and didn't deserve it.