Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Retard Food Fighters Foiled

It's about time too! In your face, Quartermain!!! HAR HAR HAR!!! Why - I am sorely tempted to do the F*** You Dance in celebration of my new protection from unsportsmanlike food fighting!

When I was a kid a massive food fight broke out in the school cafeteria. At our table was The World's Mouthiest Little Chit - Donny O. He was very small and runtish - and ran his mouth like a machine gun and got away with it more often than not because picking on a midget like him would be unsporting and bullying.

Anyhoo - people have memories. They don't forget insult, and they don't forget faces - and that day, Donny's number came up.

Who threw it? We never found out. But that day, a carefully stored moldy and mushy rotten apple hit Donny square in the face at (at least) 2200 feet per second! He caught it straight on, his head snapped back and he was out of the game as he pitched backward and hit the floor with his lights out. The rest of us got splattered with apple guts thrown out by the impact - and we were stunned by the majesty of the hit, and the dispensation of poetic justice as Donny sprawled on the floor. We started to clap and the food fight broke off, to be replaced by applause. Donny staggered back to his feet and got a standing ovation - I suppose for just surviving the hit. It was the damnedest thing I ever saw. Everyone was happier n' heck to see Donny rightfully plastered in a food fight because of his ropey mouth... but they were happy to see him take the hit like a man too.

Donny stopped running his mouth after that, and seemed to lose that 'little man' chip on his shoulder. It's funny how some of the most childish incidents can serve to make us grow.


  1. Probably gave him something to think about. There was a short kid in our neighborhood that was well-balanced. He had a chip on each shoulder. He was constantly picking fights and throwing insults at people. I let him slide any number of times, mainly because I felt a little sorry for him. He so despised his own height that he couldn't go anywhere without trying to compensate. One evening he crossed the wrong man - a genuinely tough kid from Dogpatch - and ended up on the ground with the nicest shiner you'd ever see this side of the playground. He was just a little more civilized after that, but the lesson didn't take. He came to a bad end, or so I'm told.

    Did you ever learn who threw the apple? If it was that old, the entire business might have been premeditated.

  2. I had to bean them with a few eggs they were saying stuff like 'White Privilege', I just had to do it.