Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Sunday, 2 August 2020

The Sins Of The Father

Ugggggh. 

I am convinced there is probably a theory of relativity that applies to the emotional bonds of families, hearts, and souls. Once you’re outside of your family you see things with a stunning clarity that is impossible when you’re in them. I remember being shocked and amused when I discovered that one of the reasons mom and I don’t get along was that I remind her a lot of her father and she hated him with the heat of 1000 suns. Suppose the old bitch hates me with maybe 796 suns, so maybe age and genetic distance factor into the equation too, as minor variables maybe. But, when I realized that, Mom started making a lot more sense. I started understanding the motivations behind her antics and histrionics and a lot of my own hurt just evaporated.

Like most elderly Boomers, Mom gets much of her info from daytime TV and thinks she’s informed. She glommed onto Orca Winfrey, Ellen Degenerate and the hags and harpies of The View. If those witches said something, Mom took it as gospel. If I could be in the same room with her I’d ask her what she thought about poor Ellen’s late fall from grace.

Ellen never did interest me but she does now, in a passing sort of way. She looks much like my mother, with the bad haircut. She has a ropey mouth and won’t hesitate to use it as a lethal weapon or an effective tool. Both women are loud, domineering and frequently obnoxious. Not content with this small garbage fire in my cranium, I kept right on thinking about Mom and Ellen and the smoke got thicker. Then I had my flash of genius: I pulled back a bit for a larger picture.

Ellen is pervert as is my daughter. Lesbians are mean and nasty as a group, and they are superb manipulators. They will use people with cunning and coldness and when their marks catch on, they will claim to be the victims.

Continuing to cogitate... I began to clinically compare and contrast my mom and my daughter and I started seeing all kinds of similarities between them. I kept running with that one... and realized that my daughter reminded me a lot of my mother... and when she vexed me the most - she was acting exactly like her grandmother! I thought to myself, “How ya like them apples, Filthie, you dumbass! It was a sin when your mom was flogging you for the sin of being like her father...and then you gave it to your own daughter with both barrels, for the sin of acting like your mother!!! HAR HAR HAR!!!”

That little epiphany has been stuck in my craw for a couple days now. I have been such an idiot!!! All of a sudden, my daughter is making sense too... in as much as a man can understand women I suppose. I believe there is a God, and a Grand Unifying Theory Of Everything too. And here, in my mid 50’s... I can just barely make out the roughest edges around both. What goes around comes around and depending on where you’re at on that Karmic Wheel, you may or may not notice whether the shit is coming or going. Perhaps there is a Thermodynamic Law Of The Conservation Of Shit? “Shit can neither be created or destroyed it can only change hands...”

Gah. I’m either gonna end up with a Nobel or in a rubber room if I keep thinking like this... and who wants that? This is one Karmic Wheel that I am getting off of! Daughter, if you are reading this... you have two generations of shit on your hands, I guess. I hope you handle it better than I did... but by the grace of God, I am finally getting some of it off my hands, and off my soul.

Thanks for stopping in and listening to me prattle, folks! Check your own soul over this Sunday, and give it a quick rinse and a shine  if it needs it.

Cheers.

Filthie

14 comments:

  1. I think if Newton were alive today he might agree with you.

    Keep praying for your daughter. My grandfather was a preacher who was the model for stereotypes of fundamentalist. When he died only one of his six children would have anything to do with the Lord. After he died the number rose to four. The Holy Spirit never stops working but the decision will be up to her.

    Grace and peace

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    1. I do Pumice. It's all we can do now, but ... I don't think any reconciliation is on the table. I pray that she's happy and safe and just leave it at that.

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  2. Glen, the more one delves into backstory the more one can come to understand things today (thus, of course, my argument for the importance of history).

    My father had a brother die (hit by a drunk driver) when he was 8 or 9 years old. His father took care of his mother and his older brother took care of his younger siblings. He was on his own. That impacted him in ways that I am still now only coming to understand.

    And I second Pumice. Keep praying. If God can raise Christ from the dead He can certainly change hearts, even after years.

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  3. The F'd up thing goes back generations in my family too. Mom has not spoken to her own sister in 40 yrs. I never understood that one. She never had anything good to say about her own mother. Mom planted the seeds of disdain in my own sister, so about 20 yrs ago, after one kick in the nuts too-many, I gave up trying with that one. When the phone don't ring you know who is not calling. It all added an extra layer of pain in coping with dad's passing. It's the forgiveness part I struggle with, cause I don't trust them not to kick me in the nuts again at the first chance they get. And to add insult to injury, today I am the one tasked with caring for the old bat. I suppose its a good thing I never had any kids.

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  4. This Be The Verse
    By Philip Larkin

    They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
    They may not mean to, but they do.
    They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

    But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,
    Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.

    Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
    Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.




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    1. Oh gawd, I love that.

      Before his humiliation, Bill Cosby used to say you could screw up as a parent and still end up with wonderful kids and I believe he had the right of it. But the converse holds too... you can be mediocre or even good parents, and turn out a lemon. My daughter can decide which froot she is on her own with my compliments. I wanted better for her but what I want doesn't matter.

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  5. Tough subject today. I have found that forgiveness isn't lining up for more of the same. Forgiveness frees you from the anchor of the past, but you don't have to got back for more.

    One I know forgave their dad for decades of abuse, and didn't have another thing to do with him. He was too dangerous. That's when I realised that forgiveness is cutting the chain so it doesn't have hold of you. The past may shape you, it may scar you, but it doesn't have to drive your future. Uncouple from the trailer of past hurt and move on. Use what you've experienced to not make the same mistake, or avoid those that are. Their siblings swore not to be like him, and tended their garden of remembrance, and turned out just like him to varying degrees.

    Like Glen said, understanding where they come from helps, but you don't have to continually queue up for more of it. It allows you to interact with more grace, but wary at the same time.

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    1. Yep. That ain't gonna happen. Alot of these people hate themselves and until they deal with that... you don't want to be anywhere round them...

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  6. Paraphrasing a tad, here.
    "If God brought you perfect people, how would you ever learn to spiritually evolve?”
    ― Shannon L. Alder

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    1. Yep. An alternate way of thinking of it is that our Maker put those people there for a reason, and their purpose may or may not involve us. You need to know when to seperate and I should have done that long before I did. But... better late than never...

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  7. Going back a few years, there was a family at our church that had four sons, all as tall as sequoias. By contrast, both parents were short. I watched all four age from teens into college educated adults. All left home, all were successful.

    So when their father demanded that every Tuesday night be designated as Family Game Night, and everyone was to congregate at the old family home - no exceptions! - he was met with reactions that started at, "We'd really like to, but we just don't have the time. We've got the kids, she's working, and I'm on call. Maybe next month." all the way up to, "Do not, under any circumstances, take that tone of voice with me ever again. Not with me, not with my family. We clear?"

    I think the last was the oldest, who ended up moving to China of all places.

    The thing was, I'd had enough interaction with this man to form an opinion, and I didn't blame the kids one bit.

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    1. Maybe the old boy was just lonely, Jack? And maybe he over estimated his position and authority in the family? Upon reflection I may be in the same boat, in some respects. As would be my elders.

      Yannow I look back at the familial dynamics with their dog fights, guilt trips, shit tests, nose tweaking ... and now I just laugh where I used to have my blood pressure spike. I am an outsider looking in and I don't have any skin in those games. It changes things.

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    2. Maybe he was a bit lonely, but he definitely overstepped his authority. His wasn't the only family to have some obvious problems that way; I watched two other families go through the same process.

      Part of the problem is that the church pastor and elders emphasized that the man is the head of the household; he's the authority figure. At the same time, these same people never mention responsibility, and as not all of us know, authority without responsibility is tyranny.

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