Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Hinterland Who's Who: The Ukranian Pheasant

Chicken Mom had this one up over at Coopville. Our fine feathered friend demonstrates a level of intellect and dexterity on par with the brightest Alberta rig pig or NDP MLA.

Here in Alberta that bird would wipe the academic
mat with your average Dipper...HAR HAR HAR!

As usual, though, I shot my face off in the comments before thinking - that bird is NOT a magpie. A magpie is a member of the jay family - and that fella looks a more like a crow.

The common magpie, also known as the Saskatchewan Partridge,
or the Ukranian pheasant, is a bastardly bird that delights
in tormenting rural Canadians in the most fiendish ways.
One of them is by emitting its irritating territorial
challenge outside your bedroom window
at 5:00 fuggin AM in the bloody morning. GAK! GAK! GAK!

When I was a kid on the farm these sonsabitches would sit on my window sill and gak at me on Saturday morning without fail. Often I was hung over and would stumble and fumble out of bed to get my .22 on them - but by then they would be long gone. In my entire life time I only killed three - and all of those with long range shots with centrefire guns. I still remember my friends looking at me funny when I vapourized one with my 25-06.

I only met one man that hated them more than I did - the so-called 'Old One' - and old Lithuanian immigrant dirt farmer that immigrated to Canada in the 40's. His gripe was that these damned birds raided the bird feeders, stole dog food and tormented the mutts - and one day an enterprising bird shat down his neck - a lucky shot landed inside his shirt collar... and The Old One snapped.

He put out poisoned meat for the birds - and ended up killing the barn cat with it. Taking precautions this time - he put fish hooks in the meat and put the bait out of the way where the dogs wouldn't get it. The magpies wouldn't touch it. As an experiment he put out regular meat and the birds cleaned it out as soon as he turned his back. When he put out poison the birds just seemed to know what he was up to and left it. Of course, any time he was able to bring a .22 to bear - they vanished. He lost his chit over it: he set up fiendish, inhumane traps the Viet Cong wouldn't have used - but by now the old bastard was in a rage and who can blame him? He jury rigged open leg traps. He had others that would crush the birds with carefully propped logs - but whenever he set the trap - the crafty birds somehow knew exactly what was going on.

One day the abuse just stopped. The magpies paid sporadic visits to the Old One but didn't go out of their way to torment him anymore. I think they probably got tired of picking on retards and left to seek out more sporting prey.

They are birds that I am well glad to be rid of.


  1. Ya know that animated gif is really just running backwards. That bird is actually taking the rings off I think.

    The crows at work I swear target the Lincolns and Mustangs to poop on purposefully.

    1. Don't underestimate them, PP! That's how they getcha!!!