Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Anal Probe

HAR HAR HAR! How do YOU like it, Cat?
Barnyard animals are perverts by nature and they don't mind making a rude joke out of it either. As a kid my horses would stick their noses in your chest and smell by breathing real deep - and then blow snot out all over ya the same way the spooks slimed the Ghost Busters. Then they would sit there and smile about it! Oh yes, those a-holes smile the same as miscreant dogs do!
Some horses are accomplished pranksters. Once as a kid Gramma went out to annoy the horses, and I forget what she was up to but she made the mistake of going into the tack shed. The man door opened outward. Well - Gramma went inside, and then Sandy ambled up, spun end for end - and parked his fat ass up against the door so Gramma couldn't get out! Gramma would start howling and screeching and he would let her push the door open about a half an inch - and then he would lean against it and push it shut again! Pop and I smirked and stifled our laughter as we watched him do it for another half an hour. She would STILL be in there if I had not taken pity on her and forced the jug head to let her out, HAR HAR HAR!
Another case involved a horse who learned how to work a light switch. The owners were going nuts thinking that a prowler was futzing with them until they learned that it was the horse flipping the lights on and off out in the barn to amuse himself.
If you are a hobby farmer in search of sensible barn yard critters - chickens are about the best of the bunch. The rest of them are just bungholes.


  1. Funny stories, Glen! Horses are smart and playful, too.
    Oh, and I highly agree with 'ya - chickens are the best!

  2. I keep threatening to get some chickens, but never have. I've had cattle and two horses, but none were TOO bad. We did have one old cow that got to tearing down the fence whenever she wanted, so we finally just ATE her.

  3. Hens are fine. Roosters aren't. There are two of them buried in unmarked graves in the direct sightline of the coop. Roosters usually last about a year in my coop. That's about the time they start challenging me. Soon after's about the time the size 12 comes down on them! I'd eat them straightaway, but they always seem to know when I'm taking off and don't have time to "dress" them. It's always one of those "If I leave him in there with the hens, they'll all be dead by the time we get back" things. And so, there the two of them lie... in the tomb of the unknown cock...

    ...Fart like a Clydesdale... I still can't get over that one!!! It's stick in my head like a bad country song... or maybe like a tick in my ear... I don't know which one's worse. DAMMIT! Whadthehelld'yadotame?

  4. If I had chickens I would handle them the same way CM does - they would be pets more than anything else. They just add a touch of atmosphere that seems to remind me of home.