Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Filthicus: Blood And Sand

Ugh. The blog ratings continue to dive. My efforts at providing a venue for respectable blood sport for discerning savages and barbarians continue to come to naught! What's that? What's all that screaming and hollering about? Oh, the centurions are just nailing BW to a cross - I sentenced him to a horrible death by crucifiction because of his failings of The Empire.

Last week, I summoned the intrepid explorer to my court and tasked him to find blood thirsty monsters that could fight and die in the arena for our amusement. I was very specific too: I wanted something like this:

Why - how HORRIBLE!!! Even I - a ruthless despicable tyrant - am
horrified and repulsed by this savage display of nature's fury!!!

So off he goes, to some far flung corner of The Empire half way round the globe; he's gone for days... and he comes back covered in dust, bugs and sunburnt. Claims he went to some hole called Saskratchmebum or someplace like that - and here are the monsters that are supposed to entertain me and my Patriarchal Romans in the Colosseum:

What?!?! Gophers?!?!? We are to be entertained by GOPHERS

Well you can see why I was slightly disappointed with him. These things are the only living critters on some of the desolate plains of Saskatchewan, and truth be told, they're kinda cute. Having said that, I grew up shooting these little bastids with a .22 and leaving their carcasses out for the crows and coyotes. The holes they dig trip up horses and cattle and result in broken legs and euthanized animals. I still recall those days of sun drenched afternoons, with a cooler of pop in the truck and a pocketful of shells. I didn't realize it at the time but they were the happiest days of my life. Us kids had a hoot, and the farmers got rid of pests without using poison - which winds its way up the food chain to critters they would rather not kill.

In any event, WL has been summoned to the palace, and that great white hunter will no doubt succeed where BW failed! I'll send Quartermain with him, and they'll no doubt find and capture some seriously bad ass critters that will entertain us with their deaths.

Until then, have a great Tuesday!


  1. I hate gophers. I've hated them since my foot went into one of their holes, and they tried to euthanize me! It's a never-ending battle on my one acre of America. I've tried poison, traps, tunnel flooding, M-1000's, cherry bombs, road flares, smoke bombs... and even exhaust from a decrepit lawn edger, pumped into the tunnels (this works good, but gas is expensive). What would kill a human won't even FAZE a gopher. You don't get rid of gophers. You don't control them either; they control YOU. The gopher digs a hole on your plot, and you're triggered. That's the end of it. You HAVE to kill the perp who dug the thing, and nothing is going to stop you until you've made meat.

    Seriously though; anyone out there with gopher problems? Look up Gopher Hawk (I have no connection to whoever makes the things, other than buying two of them). My neighbor turned me on to the Gopher Hawk. These traps outperform anything I've tried so far. I've had mine for about a month, and I've sent around fifteen of those furry bastards off to Valhalla; three in one day alone! ...Sadly, they're not nearly as fun as high explosives and beer, but are effective, nonetheless... And you still get the satisfaction of letting out a Dr. Evil "MWA-HA-HA-HA!" laugh when you bag one of the little buggers...

  2. lady i knew from the prairies told how the kids were paid for each dog they killed but had to present the tails to get payment. they farmed in manitoba or saskatchewan, can't remember.

  3. They tried to euthanize Pete? They didn't try very hard, then.

    Anything you want to get rid of, just put a bounty on 'em. Gophers, moles, whatever. A kid with a pellet gun will 'work' all day to make one dollar per gopher.

    1. In my county, pellet guns are considered "firearms," and therefore... prohibited... from being "fired" in residential areas. Believe it or not...

      'Sucks to be a kid now. The world is supposedly safe and sterile, but it ain't a lot of fun...

      As for the euthanization attempt... they couldn't find a big enough or hungry enough hill of fire ants to bury me up to the neck in...