Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Friday, 29 March 2019

Into The MACHINE: Part One

While back one a my favourite bloggers had decided to de-couple and drop out for awhile. The news was full a beans, bubble heads and BSer's, so he reasoned. What point in watching it? Then he up and did the same thing with the entertainment industry. Every time ya turn around they are pushing sexual degeneracy, communism, feminism, and worse - who needs it? He has a point.

One problem at a time.

After prolonged discussion me and the other scientists here at Uncle Bob's Institute For Wayward Boys - decided we needed some kind of machine that could take in all the media bullshit, blather and bluster in one end - and the distilled truth would come out the other. So we went to work and the first attempt was a disaster. We piped in The Daily Beast, Kos, and The Estrogen Post … and the machine lost it's artificial mind! It ripped free of its moorings and bent Jack and Quartermain over a rail! It made the boys bark like pigs so I let it run a bit for gits and shiggles - but when I tried to unplug it, it went after me! I got b*tch slapped into the middle of next week and back again and it would have destroyed the world had not WL and M initiated the Emergency Shut Down Protocols - with a shovel and a fire axe! Clearly - even mild doses of the mass media is enough to drive simpler minds nuts!

So we went back to the drawing board. This time, we'd do it right! Pete ordered in some solid state 40 terawatt anti-SPAM negators from NASA, and M refluxed the digital intake with double pumping multiplexed WTF filters.

This time, we were going ALL IN. We moved into Area 51 and sunk a shaft beside the flying saucers. It was 150 feet deep, and at the bottom was a lead lined room just big enough to accommodate the machine. A three foot thick layer of cement encased the shaft and the room at the bottom. The machine was carefully lowered into the bunker, and then sealed. We fired up the boilers above, and soon the machine was up and running on saturated, super heated steam. Our fear was that the machine might set off an electronic chain SPAM reaction... so steam power only made sense!

When all was ready... we started brought the machine on line. Carefully we ran a feed of the light stuff... NBC, CNN... and the machine didn't even miss a beat! Encouraged, we dialled it up a bit: we started feeding in the CBC, BBC and other soy producers.

"Status, Jack?" I asked.

"The logic gates are running a little warm but so far - nothing to worry about! All systems nominal... Logic is GO."

So we did it, I went through all the section chiefs:

SPAM? "GO!" Pete replied.
PROPGAGANDA? "All systems GO, Glen!" McFoster replied.

On it went, until they had all given us the green light.

So. This was it.

'Well boys... do your thing!" And with that, I hauled out my flask and took a big belt of courage.

"New York Times feed is active! Washington Post feed is active!" The machine hummed to itself, in the dark depths of it's bunker.

"Gawddammit! Has anyone got two bucks?" Sunny asked, "They have a paywall up on the Glob and Snail!" Soon, we had all the mainstream media outlets feeding every single last byte of their digital dreck going into our machine at the speed of light. 

Then Quartermain announced, "The machine is awake, gentlemen!" and the Control Room erupted in cheers. "It is sentient and self aware...and asking for more input...!"

And so finally TB decided to show up and open his yap. "Filthie! Are you mad?!? Do you have any idea of what you've done? You've created an artificial mind! And your are bombarding it with the most demented, degenerate filth and ideas ever conjured up by man! Where is your humanity? Who do you think you are? God....?" 

I roughly pushed him away. "Security! Get him outta here!" I bellowed! "Jack! Our baby wants more so let's feed it! I want every book published by Obutthole, his husband, Hillary, and Bill going into the feed line! Add in the more toxic blogs: The Everyday Cat Lady Feminist and Jizzabel! If it bleats, menstruates, bloviates, pontificates, or deficates - I want it going into my beautiful, precious evil-consuming machine!!!!"

"We've done it, Glen." WL intoned solemnly, "We've created a mind that can absorb all the hate and filth and hypocrisy that the human animal can conceive... and it can process, collate and cross reference that to create truth. We must truly be gods..." . This must have been how Neil Armstrong felt when he stepped out onto the face of the moon.

"Pride goeth before a fall, fellas. You will pay for your hubris, mark my words!" TB shouted. The guards had cuffed him, but they forgot to gag him. I ordered BP to shut him up, and he did so with a rifle butt to the solar plexus. 

With the ensuing silence, I sat and savoured my seat at the plateau of my existence. I smugly congratulated myself for my vision, and reflected on the contributions of all the little people that made my dream a reality.

And of course, right on cue - Quartermain jut HAD to ruin everything! "Edmonton: we have a problem!!!!" Oh good grief! "What is it, Quartermain? Everyone else has a green board, why are YOU trying to rain on my...errr… our parade?"

"It's the machine, Glen. All this garbage, flubdubbery, hogwash and horse puckey is going in... but nothing is coming out! That's a violation of computer rules or something, isn't it...?"

And at the back of the room, TB began to laugh. It ended in a flurry of punches and kicks by the guards, but the devil, Darwin and Murphy laughed on.


  1. Pretty darn close to the truth Glen. You should remember to have them gag me next time...

    1. LOL. You will get yours in the next exciting installment TB!!

      Stay tooned!!!

  2. TRUE