Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Sunday, 14 March 2021



Errrrrr....    it was the dawg!!!
Dammit, Macey!

I have always wanted to try my hand at cooking beans. 100 years ago my wife cooked some and they were awesome. The beans were harder than bullets and had to be soaked for a day before they were cooked. As they cooked, they drove us crazy because they smelled so good. 

1000 years ago my mom made white navy beans, boiled cabbage, and ham... and I nearly hurled. It made my folks so damned mad they made my choke it down and if I puked Pop would give me the belt. Years later my Mom bemoaned hoe her mother forced her to eat turnips and how it was so disgusting... and I silently observed that it served the old bitch right! HAR HAR HAR! I guess it’s part of growing up, being forced to eat shit you’d rather not...

Any recipes you can recommend are sincerely appreciated... as long as they aren’t too difficult!


  1. Easy peasy.
    Get Casserole brand pinto beans. Although they're probably not avail. outside of the former colonies.
    If not get the freshest beans you can, check date code. Old ones won't cook right.
    You can translate to metric, but take one 16 ounce bag (half kilo?), and soak overnight. Check for rocks, etc.
    Pour off that water, rinse couple times.
    Put in pot along with two smoked ham hocks. One good, two better. Add water to second knuckle. No pepper, salt, etc.
    Bring to boil, cover, then simmer.
    Check at two hours, should be soft, four hours will be better.
    Cornbread recipe covered in separate post.

  2. My wife was born in Mexico. For the record, now she BLEEDS red, white, and blue! You can take a girl out of Mexico, but the beans come with the deal! We always have about a hundred pounds of pinto beans on hand here at Rancho Whybother. Beans are cheap, nutritious, and store well as gold sealed in King Tut's tomb!

    'You like beans? Get one of those newfangled computerized pressure cookers! Those beans can be as hard as chromoly STEEL, and that cooker will do them up in twenty minutes or so!

  3. Drag out the bag, and dump about 2 cups on the table. Sort out the rocks and the obvious bad ones (they look a bit rusty and puckered). Rinse a few times to get the dirt off.

    I don't soak mine, I just wing em into a slow cooker, with some salt, pepper, a chopped onion, and some garlic cloves. Let them cook for several hours. Alternatively, you can cook in a regular pot for several hours on the stove. Or soak like mom did and cook the next day.

    After a couple hours, check the water level. Keep it just over the beans for good bean juice to sop up with the cornbread you'll be making. When they are tender, they are done.

    Next morning, cut a good chunk of real butter, and melt it in a cast iron skillet. Spoon in a gob of beans and start reducing them down. Mash them into a paste, more or less, depending on your preference. Add more butter if needed. They are done when they cling together like mashed potatoes. Refried beans. After a bit, you'll figure out the time it takes to get them, the eggs, bacon and tortillas done about the same time.

    IF you have leftover refried beans, you can reheat them with some cheese. They make really good sandwiches like that.

    See recipes with STxAR for red beans and rice.

    Oh and be sure you put at least one broomstraw in there so the farts can crawl out while cooking...

  4. Depending on the age of your beans, how hard your water is, the size of the bean and your elevation, will all be factors in how long it takes for your beans to cook. Fresh beans in the crock-pot on high in the morning. You can go do what every you want until about an hour before dinner to fix what ever side-dishes you want to go with it, like cornbread. Lentils and green split-peas take about 45 minutes to an hour to cook. The older the bean, the more soaking and pre-cooking you have to do. I tend to use the quick-soak method to help get rid of the gas causing compounds in my beans. A pressure cooker/instant pot will speed up the process, help with older beans, hard water and elevation issue, but pressure cooked or crock-potted beans for some reason don't have the same flavor/texture as slow-cooked beans on a stove. I maybe doing something wrong there, others may have different results.