The libertarians over at Camp Borepatch are always whining and bitching: Turn off your cell phone!!! It's spying on you!!! Set your computer up different! It's spying on you too!!!
Blah blah blah...!
Friends, my cell is spying on me all the time - and I love it!!! I recently learnt how to use i-toons and even have a bluetooth speaker the size of a shot glass for music during those long sessions down in the Reclusium Subterraineum. Usually I go down there to escape the internet - infested as it is with the doings of liberal butt blasters, pedos, and perverts that set my teeth on edge and leave me wanting to murder someone. When I get in a murderous tizzy...of it's own accord, the cell starts playing soothing elevator music, and my rage and IQ drop into the lower temp range on the Kelvin scale! It's awesome! This morn, when I finally came out of my pleasant subconscious daze... I discovered my hands had loaded up 100 rounds of +++++++++P ammo while I was on autopilot! (I will live blog the results from the range on that one - stay tooned!) Music truly soothes the savage beast!
This morning I got my nickers in a twist about what's going on at the border in the US - what with 20,000 of the world's stupidest, most violent vibrants trying to scoot across the border. Apparently one of the monkeys was photographed yanking on the reigns of the border patrolman's horse - and the faggotry when into a tizzy saying the nogger was getting bull whipped and flogged by the patrolman! If I was the Mayor of Texas I'da shot those sonsabitches and left the mess on the Mexican side of the border for the beaners to clean up. But - no big deal! I knew my trusty cell phone would start playing stress relieving elevator music and after I cooled down - I'd be able to get on with the day's chores in a better frame of mind!
But I think the surveillance vibrants listening in on me at the CSIS/RCMP cubicle farms are having a day - I did not get my usual dose of musical tranquility this morning. Instead - the little shot glass speaker started belting this out:
By the time my the toon concluded by IQ tripled by a factor of four! My senses sharpened and focused, and I began to perceive the world around me in far greater detail: It's Thursday. It's garbage day. I should bathe and maybe change my underwear... I was becoming sentient. But - I wasn't done yet! Another one came on and my IQ exploded exponentially and I began to perceive and intrinsically understand concepts like eternity and infinity and how to divide by zero. I understood the transdimensional nature of light and how to use it to destroy worlds and stars. I'd have the Clintons, Obuttholes and Turdos euthanized and replaced by my minions by coffee time. I'd scour the thrid world and Ottawa with a death ray that only killed the higher primates and left the buildings and wildlife intact. It was child's play! I opened nine cans of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee ravioli I would need the nitrates to cool the matter converters on temporal stators of the bluetooth speaker and send the computer required computer viruses piggybacked, back channeled to the guys at the CSIS/RCMP farm and from there on to the worldwide web. Easy peasy, Japanesy!!! The world lies at my feet!!!!! HAR HAR HAR!!!!
Other IQ-expanding toons came on.
And as I prepared to act and set my plans in motion... the little blue tooth speaker selected another toon.... and...
Ahhhhhhhh. I just finished eatin 9 cans of ravioli that somebody opened! For breakfast! AWESOME!!! HAR HAR HAR!!!!! I somehow forgot what I was thinking about - something about pushing up on a rope...? It'll come to me later... In the meantime - I hope your morning's off to a great start, and that you enjoy the elevator music as much as I do!