Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Thursday, 20 January 2022

Dr. Filthie’s Home Remedy: Gout


That, my friends, is what victory 
looks like.
I was able to get my boots on today and take Mort out
on Dawg Patrol.

I forgot that at some point today I will have to take them off again

Ain't gonna lie - it's been a rough couple a days. The other day I woke up with my skin on backwards because I got the Covid Epsilon Variant and went down for a day. Not happy with inflicting the sweats, squirts, and freezing on my evil racist/homophobic/christian/conservative arse... the gods chose to hit me with a little bout of gout to go with it...

For those of you unfamiliar with the blessings of gout - your big toe swells up like a balloon and hurts like a demon. At one point I sat there in complete misery with my flu and the damn foot throbbing like a big clump of U235.  The bright side is that it doesn't last long. The tall foreheads used to say it was brought about by too rich of a diet. Now they seem to be saying it is brought about by a change in diet. But those quacks believe in Covid so whatta they know? 

I dunno if this is a home folk remedy or an official medical recipe.... but I can assure you with some authority that in my anecdotal experience... it works.


Celery seed tea looks like a wino's urine sample, and smells and tastes like it too. Ya put in a couple cups a water, some seeds and boil it up... and let it putrify ferment steep. Let it cool. Then, go out to the shop, and get some vise grips. You don't drink celery seed tea - you slam it like a Russian hitting a shot glass of vodka! Go fornicate in your mother's ear, Comrades!!! Down it quickly - then clamp your lips shut with the vice grips so you can't spew it all out again as your body violently reacts and tries to reject this witch's brew! If you have hair - it will stand on end. Your toe nails will curl back, your pant legs will hike up to the knee and your bum will fall out as you try to swallow it down. This shite is absolutelyfuggin GROSS. 

ваше здоровье !!!

Once you're done with the convulsions, remove 
the vice grips and make sure your heart re-starts.

I'm seriously thinking of marketing this stuff and selling it to fags like Pete, Jack and Quartermain. I'll cut it with hydraulic fluid, Winchester Red Dot and turpentine and price it at ...what? $7.00/shot...? $35.00 for the econo-size? It would almost certainly make a good Covid vaccine too! 

Cheers my friends,


  1. Tart cherry juice concentrate is also quite effective, and much more palatable.

  2. I have gout.

    My original treatment involved drinking lots of water, going on the wagon for a week or so, and ice and elevation as much as possible. I added anti-inflammatory drugs to that, and it worked a bit better.

    These days I knock off the booze, increase the water, and take prednisone. That prednisone knocks it right out.

    If you've never had gout, count yourself blessed. I've had it so bad that I've actually yelled with the pain. The pain from gout can be worse than kidney stones or natural child birth.

    In one case I took two hydrocodone that I had laying around in case of emergencies. I calmed the pain enough to allow for regular treatment.

  3. Dear Filthie, my 1983 Merck medical manual says; 1 teaspoon of baking soda. if u have some1 u don't like, tell em 1 tablespoon. explosive diarrhea will ensue. HAR HAR HAR!!!! regards, Skynet.

  4. Damn, Dude. Sounds as though You have endured enough already. Each morning before supping, I thank the Master above for the fuel in front of Me, and many things, and then ask Him for well wishes for Souls near to Me. This ritual occurs around 6:30, south-central Ohio AM. I will mention You, for sure. I surely enjoy Your blog, and lurk every day. Awaiting updates on the balsa project. I`m soon to be 64, and have been flying since the late 70`s. Also raced nitro models of many types, and delved into boats and helicopters. Currently I have 2 micro-planes, a micro-heli, witch I enjoy alot, and a PA-18 Super Cub with a 57" span, w/flaps, that takes 4-S Lipos, that has yet to maiden. I, too, think drink tastes like lighter fluid at 1`st, but that hasn`t slowed Me enough. Prayers for Your health, and the maiden coming soon. All the best, Sir. Scott (and Chrissy), in Zanesville, Ohio

  5. I worked for a rich man, that got the gout on occasion. He had a little tent frame to keep the sheets off his feet when he had it. He said just that tiny bit of pressure was intolerable. Uric acid crystals in the joints. Just like sharp glass. Thank you, no.

    Whatever it takes to make it go sounds like a plan. Godspeed GF. I'll back Scott's play, too.

  6. Hate to tell you but you need to cut back on the protein intake. Meat makes your system more acidic. Low PH (high acid) leads to those crystals that lodge in your joints and cause pain. Have you had bladder or kidney stones? if not you are on your way. Been there done that. Hit yourself with three TUMS a day. Lemonade actually helps too. You body metabolizes it into a base. Yea, go figure! Go to your pool supply store and buy some PH testing strips. Check your urine PH. You want to be above six.

    1. PH test strips might be cheaper at an aquarium store.

    2. I get mine at Lowes pool supply section. About 9 U$ for a container of 50 count. Yea they are not medical specific and don't give any readings bellow PH6, but its the only steady supply I have found around here.

  7. Sir, I used to get gout attacks and yes, they are horrible to endure.

    It has now been almost 10 years since the last one and my cure was/is Brags Apple Cider Vinegar with water every morning and a slight reduction with dark beer which is high in purines.