Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude

Filthie's Mobile Fortress Of Solitude
Where Great Intelligence Goes To Be Insulted

Monday, 21 November 2022

Hospital Survival Kit

Good morning everyone, we’re so happy that dropped in! Mondays are always a drag, which is why we go to extra effort to try to focus our friends and visitors on meaningful issues rather than the droll BS of work! You’re welcome!

Pop is laid up in rehab for the next 4 to 6 weeks. The girls aren’t giving him a break either; they are torturing him in the gym, forcing him to build strength back up as they are going to kick him out as soon as possible! There’ll be no slacking off as he learns to drive a walker, negotiate stairs, and do all that without falling again and busting himself up. He’s got it pretty tough, and no bones about it. 

I’ve been thinking of assembling a survival package for him that will contain all the fixings and necessities for a gentleman of outstanding constitution like Pop - or any of us. Unca Donald (his big Bro) visited him the other day and the stupid bugger brought a 6 pack of cupcakes. Poor dad managed to choke one down politely and flirt with diabetes. He sent them home with me and I in turn passed them over to the old lady for safe disposal. GAH! Cupcakes? Unca Donald is old and stupid too!

So. Proper food and necessities for an extended hospital stay, eh? While young, handsome spring chickens like you and I don’t have to worry about such things (knock on wood)… old geezers like Jack, Quartermain, Cederq, or Pete could keel over at any instant - and we’d better be prepared. Proper provisions? Okay!

Picked eggs clear the lower intestine 
and while that is clearly a health benefit… it comes
with a cost of magnum levels of flatulence.

Sorry - no ferro rods, flint n steel, or the usual
fire starting substitutes.
Egg farts are no joke for innocent women
and civilians. Good sulphurous matches
are the only answer. Watch your LEL’s boys!

If ya have matches… ya might as well
indulge the other manly pleasures, eh?  One a these and a
tall cup of coffee will fortify a man against gruelling morn of painful
rehab with sadistic nurses and quack doctors! 

It’d be something to look forward
to after a gruelling session too!

Doctors are flat out full a shit about cholesterol!
Eat what ya want - die like a man!

These are awesome but you will need more matches.

These keep your stools firm yet pliable, 
and compatible with lower quality TP commonly found 
in hospitals.

Reading material

So….? Did I leave anything out? If you can recommend anything else - be a sport and help us out in the comments. Have a great Monday and be careful out there!


  1. *Gulp* ... that G&A issue is nearly 46 YEARS old ! Written in bygone era when the gun writers had more talent than now. Elmer Keith, Charles Askins & Skeeter Skelton walked on this Earth at the time. I kept all of my old G&As, Shooting Times and (I think) Peterson's Hunting issues from that time.

  2. after your dad gets home you could appear on his doorstep with cruciferous veg in a single serving casserole every lunchtime!
    broc and cheese, cauliflower and cheese, brussels sprouts and garlic roasted in olive oil---all healthful!
    bring beano!

  3. Amish Wedding Jalapeno Eggs (on Amazon, if you feel like trying them out).

  4. Dad used to get wind just looking at beans or sweet potatoes. Gosh, it was almost instantaneous. I'm not sure if he invented the term "heinous anus" or if someone wrote it about him. It was scary. Maybe some sweet potato pie and refied beans? Might as well throw in some asparagus for the front and extra garlic for the top. Just make every orifice an adventure.

  5. Oatmeal does it for me. Eat a bowl around 6 AM, by 2 PM won't have a single friend left.

  6. Historic Flatulence Czar21 November 2022 at 07:11

    Flatulence is the key to good health.
    Let them rip and those that don't like it can move to the next room.
    Use the matches for a good round of blue flame express!

  7. Feed me that stuff (provided I keep gag most of it down) and you could tap me as a natural gas well and supply the whole neighborhood!

  8. All great fuel for New Years Eve celebrated thusly